About Me

ME, MYSELF & I

Hey there! Let’s begin with the basics of me. My name is Caitlin Jones, and I have been growing up in a country town in Victoria, Australia for the past 20 years of my life. At the moment I am studying a Bachelor of Media and Communication majoring in Social Media; ironic, I know. And when I finish with that accomplishment, I am wanting to complete a PhD in the same field, as I am in love with learning in the media and communication area; again, ironic, I know. Oh and if you haven’t noticed already, I suffer from mental illnesses, in particular, anxiety and depression. You can read my blog posts to get the update on that!

Caitlin Jones

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Letter From My Suicide Self

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Dear Caitlin,

You didn’t think you would make it did you? You weren’t planning to see in the new year, begin a new year at university, and you most certainly didn’t expect to get a tattoo on your wrist symbolising the strength you hold within yourself.

It was around the beginning of December you were severely depressed, you were just tired. Tired of waking up every day, and having the wave of anxiety wash all over you before you could take your first breath of the day. Tired of going to weekly psychology appointments and opening up to a complete stranger, and reliving unpleasant situations to figure out why you are the way you are. Tired of sitting in the doctor’s office listening to her repeat that you’re loved, you’re supported by my family and that one day you will be okay again.

You followed all the advice your psychologist would give to you, however, there were no signs of improvement. You felt trapped by the mental illness, as only three people knew of your current situation, your mother, doctor, and psychologist. You would lie to family and friends on why couldn’t catch up with them, you used the ‘I’m sick’ excuse often, the ‘I’ve got a family thing on’ a few times, and if all else failed you would say that you mum wouldn’t let you go.

Each day you would feel as though you were slipping deeper and deeper into a dark hole, and as you kept going the exit hole was getting smaller and harder to reach. And for a few weeks you would cry for hours on end, asking why this is happening to you, why are you still here, and how can you make it end. There were numerous nights where you felt so out of control, that the only way to keep yourself safe was to close your bedroom door and fall asleep. You couldn’t trust yourself.

There is one thing you remember distinctly about those traumatic weeks, and it’s the reason why you are writing this very letter. You told yourself that If you made it out of that state, the reason is you need to help others because you didn’t want anyone else to feel similar ways as you did, not even your worst enemy.

So here you are, it’s the middle of April. You brought in the new year in style, attending university yet not doing any of the weekly readings, but you are successfully kicking anxiety and depression’s non-existent ass. You know that you’re still going to have good and bad days, you know that anxiety comes and goes, and most of all you learned that you can survive anything.

It’s been a tough few months for you lately, you have been resilient and strong during these demanding times, and myself, the December ’16 you is extremely proud of all the qualities you have built on and grew since. You’re slowly improving on your mental and physical health, and you’re starting to see that for yourself. And now you are beginning to see the light of the hole you had found yourself in, and someday soon you will climb out of it for good.

Yours truly
Yourself xx

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