Only one person knows what you truly mean and exactly how you feel, and that person is yourself. We have all been in situations where we say one thing, yet others interpret it differently; this can cause confusion that can be fixed easily, however sometimes it goes unnoticed. I can think of a couple of times in the past few days where I’ve intentionally told someone one thing, but mean another. I lie constantly, day in and day out, and it affects one person the most and that’s myself.
If you know me personally you will know that my response to when you ask me ‘how I am?’ is always along the lines of being ‘good’ or ‘fine’. I’ve said this for years and to be completely honest, most of the time I wouldn’t be. I know I’m not the only one that does this, but it’s a lot easier to say you’re good than to explain why you aren’t. Especially when the reason why hasn’t been spoken of.
As I mentioned before, I rarely express my true feelings and emotions on a daily base. Realising this I decided to compile a little list of my most common lies, and if you’re one of my friends you probably hear these regularly.
“Can you order for me?”
I would rather you say my order so I don’t have a chance to stumble on words or embarrass myself in any other way.
“Can you come with me?”
I don’t want the eyes of everyone on me, it’s uncomfortable and I don’t want to get lost just in case.
“Sorry I can’t come today; family stuff has come up last-minute and I can’t get out of it”
I’ve been dreading this day since it was planned, I don’t want to cancel, but I can’t do it, I can’t leave the house and risk the chance of having a panic attack.
I’m trying my best to be more open to my friends since now they know I do suffer from anxiety, and I can only do so much before it becomes overwhelming. There are days that I wish I could go up to someone and ask directions or compliment them on their appearance, however, my body doesn’t let me. My mind reminds me that if I do I might appear odd or weird, and I would rather get lost than have a social interaction with a stranger.
If your friend had a broken leg and they asked you to get them a drink, you wouldn’t laugh at them, you would do it. It’s the same with someone who suffers from anxiety, the only difference is that is an invisible injury. Please, if you are one of my friends or if someone you know has anxiety and they ask you to do something on their behalf, don’t laugh at how stupid or little of a deal it may seem to you. It only makes the situation worse, being laughed for something I am so insecure about, makes myself feel guilty and incapable of functioning like a ‘regular’ person.
There is a lot of things I think of, yet haven’t been spoken of, and my mental illnesses were one of them. Speaking out about something so personal gives myself hope that maybe one day I will be able to talk to strangers, and won’t have my negative thoughts govern my actions.
Till my next post