I wasn’t born with my anxiety and depression, I grew up, and it developed with me as I had suffered in an unhealthy environment for 18 years. That led to the problems of diagnosing when, why, and how, in particular, my anxiety emerged. Probably one of the reasons why I had not investigated into my emotions, as it was what I knew, what I was used to; I didn’t feel a shift from being happy all the time to being miserable.
If you were to ask me earlier last year, why was I depressed and anxious? I wouldn’t have an answer, But now I do. I have an unhealthy relationship with a significant individual in my life and with the countless hours spent with the psychologist, it’s safe to say the voices in my head are the exact equivalent to those I heard from that person. The doubt that individual had of me that was repeatedly vocally to me is now in etched in my mind, that man and his opinions have now turned into my anxiety and depression. It’s now the reason why I ask someone a billion questions, cause I don’t believe that I fully comprehend, why I don’t have enough confidence in myself to do something by myself, and why my bedroom was my escape, as they never entered that room.
With realising that they are the reason as to why I have the mental illnesses, they are also the reason why I am now taking medications, seeking therapy, having difficulty with school, problems with trust, and issues socialising. I could look at the situation in that view, but by doing so he won, he made me weak, he made me vulnerable, and overall he would be happy with that. Unfortunately for him, everything that he has done to me and will continue doing is only going to make me much more resilient, strong and robust.
I was used to how I was treated and the emotions I was feeling; it got to the stage where it was too overpowering that it was affecting not just in my emotions, but my way of life. And it’s now time to take my life back.
In future posts, I will be reflecting back to my younger self and how my mental illness developed, stay tuned!