The type of environment that I grew up in was one where any emotion of mine was mocked, and as a young toddler, I would cry often. Getting teased and sneered at for something so human and expected at the age I was, still has a towering effect on me today. I’m wired not to show emotions, as the ridicule of crying in front of a parent was too much for a child to handle. To be made a mockery of making a feeling visible, has an effect on me from ever since I can remember. It’s damaging.
Not only was I trained not to show emotions, but as well as not voicing my emotions on the grounds from the same consequences, along with being dumbed down. I can look back at times throughout my life where I was visibly upset and see opposite me someone I depend on being immature and juvenile.
I often think if it is the reasoning behind not only my mental illnesses but specifically why I kept my mental state a secret just to myself for so long. Psychological illness already upholds a negative stigma, and he is the type of individual who would scoff and make jokes about it. It would be unbearable to be living in the kind of environment where the condition diagnosed is mocked continuously, by what I considered a trustworthy authoritative figure. It is still the reason why to this day he doesn’t know of anything related to my mental health.
To this day I am still having trouble letting my emotions and feelings be known. With the help of this blog I have a platform to speak about those feelings surrounding my mental illnesses, however, it is more of the events and situations that people would expect a reaction I have trouble with. When I have something exciting to share, I probably have a straight face. The same goes if I am angry or upset. I don’t do it on purpose, I have been trained for the majority of my life not to.
This post is part of a series where I will be reflecting back to my younger self, and how my mental illness developed.