I like to describe what life is like with a mental illness by saying it isn’t black and white, but colour. However, the colour is the same one you get when you mix up every colour that exists, and no matter how hard you try to stir all the colours together, there will always be those streaks of yellow, blue, green, and red.
The development and establishment of mental illness can be incredibly complicated, as it can involve some factors contributing together, and combusting into a category of mental illness. With this, people have to except that the period of time to cure, could take as much or even more time of the illness being present. For me, I lived and grew up in an environment that was emotionally abusive for around 18 years, even though I have moved on from that living space, I’m still continuously exposed to the perpetrator. I know that I won’t fully recover from my mental illnesses, but if he is still around and hasn’t changed his behaviour, how can I be expected to get any better? Sadly, I have at least 20 years of trauma that is in the beginning stages of repair, and who knows how many more years I will suffer till I have no contact with the abuser anymore.
I’m not the one trying to or making an effort to see that person, but a lot of people are doing that job for me. They say to me that in a few years, and even when they pass, I will regret not speaking to them if I was to lose all contact now. But I don’t think I will miss someone that made my life miserable for over 20 years, one that took away my right to show and voice my emotions, and someone that took away my imagination and replaced it with a war zone.
It is like dangling a doughnut in front of someone who is trying to change their eating habits, as they are severely obese. But for me, the doughnut is him, and instead, it is severe anxiety and depression; with both scenarios possibly ending in death, by a heart attack or suicide.
I know that these people are looking out for me, not wanting me to make the same mistakes they did. But I want to recover from the past 20 years of torture, rewire my brain of everything that has been told by him, and just finally; I want to be happy with my life, without his toxic venom around me anymore. And the only way that would happen is without him in my life and where I am not being pressured to be nice and pretend that my mental illnesses and the past 20 years didn’t exist.