I wake up and I’m already having trouble breathing.
My mind goes through the day’s schedule figuring what is and isn’t a threat to elevating my anxiety and depression. There is nothing, nothing is planned that seems nerve-racking, yet I’m on the verge of an anxiety attack.
I take my anti-depressants, the medication I am prescribed to improve my mental state, yet I feel no different and possibly even worse than before I started them.
I still feel anxious. I feel sick, I am physically sick. I know that I am not really sick, though it is the symptoms of my racing mind.
I try to continue on with my day.
I feel on edge, restless and fidgety. My heart is beating at a fast rate and I am taking short breathes. And I don’t know why I am feeling this way, I just know it is my anxiety.
My psychologist says to envision my happy place when I am anxious, the problem is that I am at a stage where I don’t have a specific happy place, it is just a settled state of mind I am wishing for; no anxiety.
People say that it is all in my head and I just need to occupy my thoughts; if only it sounded so simple. To cure my anxiety I need to do a complete rewire of my brain and it’s thought process of the past 21+ years. Again, sounds easier than it is.
“Have you tried lavender? magnesium? meditation? drawing? exercising? reducing coffee? going outside? yoga? deep breathing? mindfulness? cutting out sugar?” And the list of suggestions I receive from individuals who haven’t suffered from an anxiety condition could go on and on. But yes I have tried all that has been suggested, and no it didn’t help.
Then I hear from people that it’s not as bad as I make it out to be and that I need to calm down, it’s nothing to be anxious about. The problem is that suffering from anxiety doesn’t only have the symptom of excessive worry, but also can include fatigue, nausea, restlessness, pounding heart, dizziness, weight loss, headaches, insomnia, sweating, irritability, social avoidance, trembling, hyperventilation, migraines, increased heart rate, shortness in breath, and much more.
I try to continue on with the rest of the night.
It gets to the stage of the day, where I need to get away from myself before I go mad, or even worse, do something I will regret. Sleep is my only resort. I prefer the numbing of my emotions and being asleep is the only time where I can experience this. I just want to get away from the anxious thoughts in my mind and the physical symptoms in my body, and sleep is the only way how. While others believe that those who sleep excessively are lazy, I only do it take myself away from my anxiety.
Anxiety is the person walking right behind you, following your every step.
Anxiety is feeling as though everyone is watching you and judging each move you make.
Anxiety is the struggle to breathe as the lump in your throat gets bigger.
Anxiety is the constant second-guessing, self-doubt, and the voice telling you that you will be like this forever.