I’m always asking questions; however, I’m not the type of person that poses a substantial amount of questions to other people. Instead, I overwhelm myself with questions about every few minutes. My mind is continually talking to this other part of me, interrogating, undermining, and reviewing every single thing I do and think about doing.
When I find myself in public places, my mind and thought process goes into overload. I am making sure that I am not walking “weirdly”, and the space between my feet isn’t too distant from each other that it brings attention. Then after all this has been thought about and corrected, I then begin to think that people around me are noticing that I am jittery, and I try to adjust myself again. It’s like doing a complete circle.
Anxiety is not just associated with nervousness but also overthinking and self-doubt and I’m constantly having uncertainty with the way I am perceived by others around me. And the worst part is that it often goes unnoticed. It wasn’t till I had my first appointment with my psychologist, that I noticed the number of times I would query myself over minuscule things that weren’t important. I didn’t want to bring attention to myself, and I didn’t want everyone to have their eyes on me, cause then if people stared long enough they would be able to see every flaw I have.
I don’t want to bring attention to myself, and I don’t want everyone to have their eyes on me, cause if people stared long enough they would be able to see every flaw I have. Anxiety never allows me to do anything spontaneous, everything I do and say has been thought through what the worst outcome could be, and this thought process can be as long as minutes to days. To those on the outside, that I am not open to, I can just seem shy and that’s mostly true, I’m lacking the confidence to speak truthfully, so I’m often left being nonspoken by my own self.
However, my anxiety also rises with not just strangers in the public but also in company with family and friends. I’m forever questioning myself whether my friends actually like me, and even though they have said and shown they do, no amount of actions or words can prove the friendship in my mind. I don’t see the benefits anyone has with spending their precious time with me, or if they would be better off without me in their presence. If they are only being nice to me so that they don’t come off rude and the moment I leave I become their conversation topic. The anxiety doesn’t stop when I’m not with my friends anymore, it continues through the communication through text. I stare at my phone hoping that the words I wrote don’t make me seem unintelligent or come off as ignorant, and questioning what I said is going to seem interesting enough to receive a message back.
I am always thinking about what to do, what to do with my hands? Do I cross my legs? Do I smile? And how long can I keep in eye contact before it goes weird? Can they tell I’m freaking out? I’m questioning every movement I do and every breath I take. But there are a few questions I find that I’m always going to be asking myself is why am I here, and what is my reasoning for being here?